


Toad and Frog and Badger are Pansexual

by certs_up



Category: Frog and Toad - Arnold Lobel
Genre: Deliberate Badfic, Deliberately Bad Fanart, Food Sex, Insectivores, M/M, Non-Explicit Pansex, Non-Explicit Sex, Nonnies Made Me Do It, Voyeurism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-21
Updated: 2015-03-21
Packaged: 2018-03-18 21:56:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 982
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3585459
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/certs_up/pseuds/certs_up
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Toad is determined to share his swinging pansexuality with Frog, but Frog only cares about lunch. With Badger's help, they are reconciled. You've never seen Toad Hall this way before!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Toad and Frog and Badger are Pansexual

**Author's Note:**

  * For [gregorianpeas](https://archiveofourown.org/users/gregorianpeas/gifts).



> Bad Bang IV treat for gregorianpeas.

Frog looked at the envelope in his hand. Toad had just handed it to him.

"Open it, open it," said Toad. He was hopping excitedly up and down.

Frog opened it. The note said:

  
You are cordially invited  
to  
the newly refurbished  
TOAD HALL  
residence of  
TOAD  
swinger and pansexual

"Toad, I would be delighted," said Frog. "But why are you living in a hall? I think something with a few proper rooms would be more comfortable."

"There are MORE than a few rooms in TOAD HALL, and all of them are completely proper," Toad assured him. "Just RSVP to that invitation, and then I'll show you."

Frog looked dubious. "Do I really need to RSVP? You're right here. I can just say yes."

"Of course you have to," Toad insisted. "Didn't I bring you a hand-carried custom-made invitation?"

Toad had, so of course Frog hastily dashed off a note of acceptance, read it over carefully, copied it again, made several ink blots, turned them various ways to see if any of them looked like genitalia (they didn't; he was disappointed, and he was sure Dr. Rorschach would have been also), copied it over again onto nice vellum paper using only blue, black, or blue-black ink--

"Come ON, Frog," said Toad, who had been busying himelf with the flies and gnats that swarmed around Frog's composter. "I shall spoil my lunch here if you delay any longer."

Frog saw that the flies and gnats swarming around his composter had been completely exterminated, realized that this meant his own lunch had been spoiled (i.e., despoiled, i.e., exterminated), and said, "I hope this means lunch at the refurbished Toad Hall. Have an RSVP."

With one hand Toad grabbed Frog's hand and dragged him along the road, and with the other hand he flung away the RSVP. The wind carried it along until it arrived at Shrek's place, where it met its fate in the smallest room in the house.

Outside Toad Hall there were numerous grand old trees. Now ropes hung from their branches. Some of the ropes were fastened to old tires and others to planks. Toad finally let go of Frog's hand. As Frog stood rubbing the circulation back into his digits, Toad hopped onto one of the tires.

"Look at me swinging, Frog!" he said. "You can swing too, or you can push me!"

Frog considered Toad pushy enough for two and jumped onto another suspended tire. As he swung and rotated, he said, "Toad, I've worked up quite an appetite with all this activity."

"And now you're TIRED!" said Toad, puffing himself up at the cleverness of his wit. Frog groaned quietly.

"You need to see the rest of my furnishings. We'll view them on the way to my grand dining room," said Toad as he got off the tire.

They went into Toad Hall. In the front parlor there was a large oblong metal tray or dish or...

"PAN," Toad said pointedly. "Because you can't practice pansexuality without a pan. Will you help me break it in, Froggy?"

"Will you feed me lunch if I do, Toady?" said Frog.

"Of course! We'll just have a quickie."

As Frog and Toad were having their quickie pansex, there was heavy breathing at the window. The two looked up to see Badger [not the one writing this fic; a completely different Badger] with his nose pressed against the window, drooling.

"Badger, you old rascal!" said Toad. "Would you care to make it a threesome?"

Badger's mouth moved, but because Toad Hall was furnished with superior soundproofing (essential for practicing swingers and pansexual kinksters), neither Toad nor Frog could hear a word he was saying. They had more important matters to concern themselves with anyway.

"LUNCH!" shouted Frog as he came.

Both of them were lounging in the pan in postorgasmic bliss as Badger let himself in. He looked from one of them to the other. "What are you exhibitionists about?"

"Can't you see I'm a pansexual?" said Toad. "Or rather, we're both pansexuals. It's quite a large pan, Badger; there's still room for a threesome."

"After lunch," said Frog, pointedly.

Badger only frowned. "Toad, your pretensions to learning have never been less than ridiculous. The _pan_ in _pansexual_ doesn't have humble Anglo-Saxon origins. It is from the French _pan,_ meaning _bread._ "

Toad's eyes went wider, which really shouldn't have been possible for a person of his round-eyed species. "Is that so?"

"Bread sounds good at this point," Frog murmured.

"Of course it is," harrumphed Badger. "Just come with me to the kitchen, and I'll show you sprats a thing or two."

By this time Toad and Frog were recovered enough from their pansex to follow Badger to the kitchen. In the breadbox there was a loaf of French bread.

"Just the thing!" said Badger, surveying its firm and handsome length. "Have you got any butter?"

"Most certainly," said Toad, and he lifted a cool and moist clay cover to reveal a lump of butter molded into the shape of a toad. Badger grabbed it, rubbed it all over the loaf of french bread (making Frog's mouth water as he watched), then bent over and, faster than the eye could follow, shoved the entire length of it up his ass.

Frog's mouth immediately stopped watering.

"Now that," said Badger, "that there is what I call pan sex. Well, I'm not such an exhibitionist as you fellows; I'll be wandering off to enjoy this in private."

As Badger let himself out, Toad and Frog looked at each other.

"I suppose we won't be having bread and butter for lunch," said Frog, sadly.

"It certainly does change the nature of my plans for being a pansexual," said Toad. "Never mind, Froggy; lunch I have promised, and lunch you shall have. Let us seek refection in the vicinity of the Toad Hall compost pile!"


End file.
